LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
