I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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