This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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