so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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