you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize