You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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