I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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