I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
