you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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