I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
