apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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