I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
