and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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