She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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