How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
