I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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