The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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