if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
