I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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