1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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