I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You're a disaster
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