M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
