The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
