i jhust puked up my retainher.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
