Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
