What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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