If that was your dad, he is hot
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
