I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
