You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.