Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
