Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
