Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Come on in and take your pants off
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