Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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