her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
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You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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