And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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