Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
