how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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