I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hippo gnu deer
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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