we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
