Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
