: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
