im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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