i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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