I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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