Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
