There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
