All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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