Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
