It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize