Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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