I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.