So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
