The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
