I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
