Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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