he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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