The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
